It’s nearly impossible to look attractive in subzero temperatures. Hair: frizzy. Nose: drippy. Skin: scaly. Most days, I can’t tell the difference between a wind-whipped old man and a young, comely woman.

No offense to passer-byers. I can’t see anything but a strip of eyes.

Some girls pull it off: furry hood, knee-length boots, adorable mittens, and all. Not me.

New Ugly Boots

These are the new mankillers. They aren’t coming to the cover of Vogue anytime soon. But they keep my feet toasty as I trudge down icy cobblestone streets.

Yes, I’ve been forced to winterize everything, including my fashion sense, which is admittedly lacking anyway.

I’d put their individual weight at 2-3 pounds each. Great for toning my calves (not that anyone will ever see them again).I could also quite possibly kill an intruder with a blow to the head from one of these boots.

Plus, the insides are so warm and fuzzy, you’d swear they were made from baby tigers.  Not so. You’ll never see me in fur. Or in a hat that gives a face to the horrors of fur (shudder).

I can’t tell if it’s a wolf or a coyote. Someone help me out!