There are two types of travel-abroad assholes: The ones who tell everyone they’re American and are disappointed when things aren’t like the good ol’ USA. Or the ones who think they belong “somewhere else” and are eager to enlighten everyone “back home” with their tales. Even though no one really gives a fuck and it’s like hearing the same story over and over again. The macaroons! The narrow streets! The lighted outdoor terraces!

Travel abroad tips:

1. Wear white socks, dad jeans, and bright blue running shoes.

2. Or buy a scarf and skinny jeans to blend in with the locals. Hint: it won’t happen. Your American hips look stupid in straight-legged Euro pants.

3. Develop an accent and use slang you read about on the interwebs. Correct everyone from “back home” on their pronunciation. People love being corrected.

It’s Par-i, not Paris! 

4. Complain about everything. Complain about not getting the check right away. Complain about tiny rooms and tiny portion sizes. Complain about having to walk everywhere. Complain complain complain.5. Ask where Target is.

6. Clog foot traffic by standing in the middle of the street and spinning with a camera around your neck.

7. In an effort to appear more worldly, learn about soccer three days before your trip. Loudly talk about “footy” even if it’s not soccer season. Ask a random dude in a bar if “the game is on” again – when it’s not soccer season.

8. Tell everyone you meet you’re American when they haven’t asked.

Asshole abroad: “I’m American.”
Waiter: “I just wanted to know if you wanted olives on your pizza.”
Asshole abroad: “I’m American, so no.”
Waiter: Silence.

9. When you arrive home, tell your friends about your travels and how much they’re missing out. Show them a vacation power point. Tell them how everything is better “over there” and the food they eat “over there.” Sprinkle in words like “simply must” for added effect.

Asshole abroad: You simply must go to Paris.
Friend of said asshole: Really? I have three kids, am drowning in debt, and I use a shoelace as a belt. I think Paris is out.
Asshole abroad: But you can stay in a hostel. There’s a great one by the Eiffel Tower. Problem solved.
Friend of said asshole: I’m sure my kids and wife will love sharing a room with backpackers who haven’t slept, shaved, or showered in days.
Asshole abroad: Just think of the world experience.

10. Suggest to the hotel that they should consider putting doors on their showers. Surely they never thought about it.

11. Ask if the hotel has bedbugs. If they say no, ask again, more inquisitively with raised eyebrow.

12. Tell the locals they pay insane sales taxes.

13. Bitch about your stay on Trip Advisor. “The staff was rude, rude, rude. They didn’t even ask me where I am from. And the room was small, small, small. One tiny sink. One shower with no door. Only fruit and bread for breakfast.” Be sure to request a free comp.

14. Upon your return home, start eating the food you inhaled during your travels. Ask for mayo with your fries but only when dining with your “provincial” friends.

Asshole abroad: This is how they eat fries in Paris. They call them pommes frites. They don’t eat ketchup there.
Friend of asshole: Can we just eat the fuckin’ fries?