I decided to create a “Best of the Worst” series. A reverse travel guide, of sorts. One that will teach you what not to do, where not to go.

A place to highlight and write bad reviews, the ones about agressive hotel bed bugs, rude hoteliers, and chunks of half-raw chicken smothered in a diarrhea-colored gravy.

No “hidden gems” here, just hidden nightmares and ripoffs. Every Wednesday.

If you have any “Best of the Worst” stories or reviews, please, please comment below or submit to halmcreative[at]gmail.com. I could feature your reverse recommendation in an upcoming post. One star or less, please.

Best of the Worst Airlines: United Air

If you like being lied to, long plane delays, and a terrible mileage plan, fly United. Your flight will be cancelled probably because the pilot spent the previous night doing tequila shots. Budget to spend extra on accommodations WHEN your flight gets cancelled. They won’t give you anything but 10% off a future flight  that will expire in three days.

United Air stands united on one thing: no comps. Never a comp. Never an apology. Not even if they lose your CHILD because of their dumbassery.

They’re the only airline I can think of whose goal is absolutely no return customers.

I am pretty sure customer service reps at United undergo Complete Asshole Orientation: How to act, think, and talk like a complete asshole. At this orientation, they learn the art of phone and email resistance – that is, not to pick up a ringing phone and how to avoid replying to customer emails. Then it’s over to customer ethics training, which includes a debriefing on how to lie with a straight face and how to de-fluff the pillows.

Lines from United Airlines orientation:

Our motto is: keep them waiting. Always, always keep the customer waiting.

No, no, Michael. You’re wrong. We don’t want to keep customers. We want to figuratively spank them with our bad customer service. That way, they’ll  remember us. 

Repeat: never give a comp. Never. But if we fuck up, tell them we’re going to comp whatever to get them off the line. Just give them a fake name so they will never be able to reach you.