A rant seems slightly incongruent to my last post about Mad Men’s Lane Pryce, suicide and happiness. But passive-agressively ranting about stupid things is so much fun. Please comment with what’s annoying you today.

8 Annoying New Things:

8. The Term Porn when not applied to Pornography

You think you’re clever by referring to that bowl of soggy macaroni as, ” Food Porn” but it’s not. It’s dirty. It takes the innocence right out of those little elbow noodles. And I will always associate the word porn with pornography, even though yes, Dictionary.com confirms it is a correct way to use the term.

But screw Dictionary.com. No one in their right mind truly lusts over a turkey sandwich – even if it has bacon.

7. Travel Bloggers Holding Wine Glasses

If you look at travel blogs enough, you should count how many people hold a glass of wine (by the stem) and stare off into the distance as if they’re dreaming about some far-off land. Congrats: you’re a cliche. And no, wine is not more appropriate for a blog headshot than beer.

I should change my avatar to me lapping up the pool of milk leftover in my cereal bowl.

6. Creatives on The Pitch

I both love and despise The Pitch. I love how every agency creative wears the same vertically striped button down. Or then there’s the guy who’s too creative, the one with half his head shaved, a sleeve, and lip piercing. You know: the one with all the ideas. The best part is when one of these creatives pitches an idea and it’s met with an eerie silence that expresses disapproval, disappointment, and disgust.

Then there’s the fluttering post-its on the walls with scribbled taglines that make absolutely no sense.

Memorize this tagline formula and you could be on “The Pitch:”

____ Plus ____ = _____

Simply ____

One ___ will change ____

Just ______

5. Job Descriptions that Mention Non-Existant Office Dogs

When did this become a thing? I adore my dog. I even adore office dogs. But just because you’re a startup, doesn’t mean you have to be cool with canines. I want an office full of monkeys and hedgehogs and sugar gliders. And cobras, specifically in the HR department. A barking dog and pee-stained hardwood floor does not say professional to your investors and clients.

And I have sent in my resume with the pooch picture to several of these hip startups. Nothing happened. Looks like they aren’t THAT cool with boston terriers. Can you say breed discrimination?

4. The Vomit-Inducing Word: “Viral”

Never, ever ask someone in my presence to “create a viral video.” I might hyperventilate. NO ONE can create a viral video unless they have 90,000 friends and a really, really cute piano-playing kitten. A video goes viral because it’s fun, not because you used a buzz word.

3. Job Carts that Turn the Job Application Process into an Odyssey

I know a hiring manager wants to filter out the undesirable candidates, the ones who can’t figure out they need to attach their resumes to an email. I get that. But let’s not make the job application process a labyrinth of form fields, keyword funnels, and attachment options with crazy small size requirements. This isn’t the Amazing Race, my hiring friend.

Create a god damn email address and just have people send in their resumes.

2. Banks that Charge Fees when you Use Your Own Money

If you’re going to charge me $10 a month because I use my debit card, I might as well ask the kid down the block to stand there on the sidewalk and hold my cash. He would ask for less. And I trust him more.

Also, I know at the end of the year, the $10 monthly will add up to $120. That’s an entire month of coffee or something else equally good. You’re not the only one who can do math, Mr. Banky, bank.

1. Shareable Quotes that Celebrate Relatively Easy Life Stuff

I get that we should appreciate everyone in the service industry. Really, I do. I appreciate them by saying thank you and tipping. The best ways! I do not need to read one of those shareable martyry quotes about how hard your job is as a teacher, mom, ice-cream truck driver, cotton-candy maker, scone baker, zookeeper apprentice.

Unless you’re going to war or you’re literally risking your life for your work, stop demanding appreciation. Work is work.

My job (when I have one) is SOOOO hard too. Sooo hard that I am going to shame anyone who doesn’t share this:

Example:

“You may ask why writers charge so much for all they do. Do you know, they don’t get paid sick days or holidays? Most of them don’t get paid at all. They correct your typos. They spend hours and hours bent over a desk. Their fingers get slightly chilly in the wintertime. Some of them will end up pushing shopping carts full of cans. Next time you ask, remember writers come up with that ‘crazy, funny shit’ you saw on that blog, the one that made YOU look funny to your hot cube-mate. Happy Writer’s Day! Repost if you’re a writer or have good friends who are writers.”

(Everything is copyrighted by HalmCreative. So don’t go stealin’ anything, bro).