My little sister and I stalk famous people. She’s better at it than me. She once drafted an elegant note to the Juiceman, complimenting him on gravity-defying eyebrows that rested on his face, light and soft like two angel feathers.

The Juiceman never responded.

We met Conan O’Brien, who I credit for my marriage to The Husband. The very first words The Husband ever said to me:“So you met Conan O’Brien.” Eleven years later and we’re still together

The Sister and I waited hours to meet Dave Chapelle but didn’t stand a chance, as by that time, everyone realized his comedic genius and he tunnelled through the stage to get away from his admirers.

In Quebec, I covered the Royal Tour and watched Prince William and Kate parade around Quebec from only a few meters away. I nearly attempted my best princess wave, but we, the media were prohibited from talking. I do have a collection of very cool photos.

I also interviewed Larry Clark, a brilliant but intimidating and controversial Director known for making the most controversial films I have ever seen, and punching someone in the face.

The world becomes twisted when it comes to celebrities. You should have seen the media clamor over Prince William. I almost lost an ear to a paparazzi who scrambled over me. Then, parasitic journalists harassed a woman after the Duchess accepted daffodils from her five-year-old daughter. It was sick.

Yes, they ask for it. But they’re still human.

6 Steps to Making a Bad Impression:

This is a terrible picture. Why is she so shiny?

1. Stick your iPhone camera into their face. Don’t ask if they want to be in your picture and subsequently, on your Facebook page. Just click, click, click away. People love when close-up snapshots of them with their eyes shut appear out of nowhere.

Look it’s my thumb next to Kim Kardashian!

2. Immediately Proposition sex. Your celebrity tale will sound like this:

Remember when you got shot down by Megan Fox? That was funny. 

Ps. Of course you’re going to get shot down by Megan Fox. Who do you think you are? If you intend to sleep with a celebrity, at least be realistic.

3. Ask them for an autograph in a non-appropriate setting. Slide a picture under the bathroom stall door. Accuse them of being a major jerkface when they slide it back not autographed.

4. Tell them their last project made you want to vomit. Celebrities, who are Famous for Doin’ Cool Things want criticism from the stranger who has never written a book, made a movie, been on TV. They really, really want to hear what you think.

There are a few celebrities I despise: Carrot Top because he scares the crap out of me and is not funny; Kathy Griffin or the same reason. (Before you accuse me of being “redjudice” please note that my husband has red hair and I love it. And Conan has red hair.)

I also despise the vicious “I am going to tell it like it is” bitch from Top Model, the one who ended up on the show that sends severely screwed up child stars to dry out with Dr Drew.

If I met any of my most despised celebrities, tempting as it will be, I would not scream “You Suck” at them. I would lecture them on the merits of being a good person. I may even pull up to their house in a white van and try to rescue them from Hollywood.

I realize the person they are on TV is not the person I am with. Not that you have to like everyone, but even if they are a complete and utter mess, yelling criticism at them won’t do much good. I assume they know that the movie where they dress in drag and fart a lot broke your heart. I assume if they leaked a sex tape to get more famous, they’re mentally ill. I’ve watched enough tapes of paparazzi getting punched in the face to know to remain silent unless I have something really nice to say.

(Note: Politicians and crazy dictators don’t count. Some people deserve to be screamed at and ridiculed. But I am pretty sure hurling insults and/or rocks at them will lead to jail time your assassination).

5. Slip Him/Her Your Half-Written, Coffee-stained Screenplay. We’re told to network. That it is the only way. But if you want to be discovered for something you do well, then do it well. I am positive that any person who’s semi-famous gets a million copies of audition tapes. There’s a difference between being an artist and being famous.

If you just want to be famous, try out for My BFF, that Paris Hilton show.

6. Talk about yourself. The entire time.  So this is tricky. You should definitely be yourself, at all times, whatever that means. I have a bit of experience in journalism and I know, as hard as it is, when you’re interviewing someone, you shouldn’t talk about yourself. You should just listen and ask questions.

If I ever met Dave Eggers, my writing hero, I would be tempted to go on and on about how we share the same city (Chicago), we’re both humanitarians (ok, I just started volunteering for two organizations – he started several organizations) and we’re both writers (he’s written amazing novels that have been turned into movies; I write this blog). See the difference?

I would learn nothing from him because I would be too busy sharing my brilliant, but kind-of boring self.

Let the celeb talk to you. Don’t assume they’ll invite you to hang out backstage to partake in some rockstar activity, like snorting coke off the nether-regions of live-in prostitutes. Few of us are ever that lucky.