Anglo Adventure

Travel with a sense of humor


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Hoofin’ It: Teenage Walks to Remember

Walking, Birds Flying
Walking: my version of flying. 

Before Wild and the blogger who walks the coast of Wales with a donkey, there was pre-teen and teenage me, who walked all over Chicago’s far South Side.

That’s right. I was way into extreme walking before it was cool.* Because I didn’t have a car until I was 19.

Walking is essential to my well-being. I’m not much of a hiker; I’m a city walker, a promenader and pontificator. Seattle is one of the best walking cities; there’s water everywhere, our gentle weather rarely interferes with a good stroll, and it’s only the most beautiful place on the planet.

But Chicago is where I learned to walk. First to our coffee table, then to the end of the driveway, then to my little brick school, and then to everywhere.

Ode to Travel on Foot

Greenlake-walking-Seattle
What’cha doin’ sittin’?

Sometimes, I didn’t walk, I ran down city streets, avoiding garbage cans, almost crashing into pedestrians. I ran so fast I thought my lungs would burst. I wish someone would have warned me that running would never feel That Good again. Sure, a run feels good and necessary, but it not like a teenage anything-can-happen run, a run where you’re laughing so hard tears stream down your face, a run where your only goal is to topple into your best friend or escape some kind of trouble.

I walked with friends, a big group of them. I walked to their houses miles away, in the next neighborhood. I walked in red Chuck Tailors or heavy black boots. Sometimes we’d meet at halfway points, usually a cemetery or a fast-food restaurant or a pizza place. We didn’t have enough money to do anything but walk. It led to the greatest teenage adventures. Screw the boring old scheduled parental drop-offs at the mall, we were wild and free. We strutted under star-sprinkled skies like we owned the world. We walked to train stations that would whisk us into downtown, where we’d walk some more.

I walked to Chicago’s South Side Irish parade, not the one where they dye the river green, the one where they start drinking at noon. It was one of those must-not-miss events where every.single.person you knew would be there and they would all be wearing Notre Dame sweatshirts, green wigs, and shamrock stickers. (Side note: this parade was cancelled because it got too rowdy.)

I walked before iPods, no Walkman, just me and a cracked sidewalk, sprinklers, sometimes yells from passing cars. I walked through my own perpetual inner dialogue, through corridors in my mind. I walked until I came to conclusions, epiphanies, inventions. All forgotten when I returned. (I wonder if Einstein was a walker?)

Chicago Travel Morton Arboretum
If you don’t notice this stuff, you’re doing it wrong.

I walked into characters; an old woman who fed about fifty cats in her yard everyday. Once she put down the food, they would come from all angles, mewing and rubbing against each other. Then there was the complete stranger who leaned over a fence and asked me if I wanted a job taking care of his bed-ridden wife. (I declined). Continue reading


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My 19 Not-So-Strange Addictions

The Wilds of Illinois, Travel Blogs, Humor Blogs

Taking photos. One of my many addictions.

Remember that show, “My Strange Addictions?” I do. It’s where crazy people talk about their “strange addictions,” like eating paper towel or snorting baby powder or swallowing rocks. The producers should change the show’s name to “Really Gross Addictions That Are Hard to Watch.”

I did a mini-psych eval on myself. Turns out, my addictions aren’t so strange.

My not-so-strange addictions:

  1. Coffee. I drink coffee by the pot and in one of those metal commuter mugs construction workers use. If I don’t drink coffee, I feel like an anvil was dropped on my head and I can’t even make words. Dental hygienists hate me.
  2. Flavored creamer. I am a healthy eater who can’t help but to pour or squirt corn-syrup-and-sugar sludge into my coffee. Every morning. Milk just won’t do.
  3. Refreshing my email and social media in 10-second intervals. Now that I finally have a smartphone I do this from the comfort of my bed.
  4. Buying URLs. The minute I have an idea for a URL, the credit card is out and I’m searching for .COMS while wearing a visor, sunglasses, and sweats. I’m a regular day-trader-gone-nerd.
  5. Reuse. Recycle. Hoard.  I see a very-used piece of foil and go through a considerable crisis before I can toss it. I have more in common with hoarders and depression-era grandmothers than any of my young, thirty-something friends. I’ve cut my hands tearing apart those six-pack rings. I have a pile of plastic ice cream containers for The Leaning Tower of Cherry Pistachio, an ambitious art project I will never complete.
  6. British Comedy. I can sit through season after season of “Peep Show,” four episodes at a time. During the “IT Crowd”-era, I barely left the house. If a show comes out and Matt Berry’s in it, don’t expect me to leave the apartment until I’ve seen every episode.
  7. Cleaning out my ears. Every morning. Even if there’s nothing to clean out. This actually is one of the “strange addictions,” but I’ve never put anything in my ear but a Q-tip.
  8. Sweeping. When I am stressed, I go into sweeping overload. I also forget to eat so my floors are cleaned and I lose weight.
  9. Books. I have to avoid bookstores because if I go in, I am walking out with a poetry anthology at the very least.
  10. Taking photos.  I am not a person who snaps photos of every painting in a museum, but I am that person who schleps her tri-pod and camera to sunsets, beach trips, parties, hikes, etc.
  11. Moving. In the past four years, I have had three different addresses. I can’t seem to settle.
  12. Movie-theater popcorn. I could eat a four-course meal before the movie and I will still order overflowing movie theater popcorn, with that impossibly yellow liquid “butter.”
  13. Looking up offices on GoogleMaps. Me > apply for job > look up company on the Glassdoor > assess how glamorous the office is with the Satellite images of Google Maps > forget to actually prepare for job interview.
  14. Squeezing avocados.
  15. Reading “Missed Connections” on Craigslist. So many great stories from lonely people who think the girl that smiled at them on the bus might just be the one. It’s riveting stuff.
  16. Moisturizing. When I was 22 and unafraid of the sun, some gracefully-aged individual (an ex-boss) told me to start wearing sunscreen. I apply it everyday and feel my skin withering in the sun if I forget. Fortify that skin!
  17. Flossing. 
  18. Twirling the ring on my right hand around and around.
  19. Smelling shower gel in the grocery store.

What are your addictions? Confess below. No judgement here. 


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How Not to Write a Book Proposal

Eat,Pray,Love En Francais, Seattle travel Blogs

I hear she writes historical fiction now.

If I learned one thing in my writing career, it is to pay close attention to those contributor guidelines. I wrote these after reading editors’ complaints about bad submission practices.

Dear The New Yorker:

Attached please find my aritle on “10 Pig Mating Rituals You Weren’t Aware Of.” I don’t read The NEW YORKER, but I have heard you’re a quality, top ten literary journal. I really, really want to be a Writer because I want a heap of money to show up at my door along with beautiful women and I can tell all of my friends I am a PUBLISHED WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay. You can submit payment to 1244 Monkey Sock Street, NY, NY.

Cheers,
Billy, “the Pen” Henderson

Dear Hiring Editor Person:

I AM HOPPING YOU COULD PUBLISH MY WORK. Oh sorry about the all caps, I am just super excited that excited about the possibility of writing for your website. Well really it’s the work of someone named Mark Twain only I replaced 20% of his words and sprinkled 30% of keywords related to your website in. this stolded article will get you losts a website traffic. please let me know how and when I will be paid.

Yours truly,

Sal Forrester Continue reading


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Saturday Giveaway! Win a Free (Signed) Alena Dillon Book

You can win one copy of I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean, And Other Amusings From A Girl Wearing Sweatpants by Alena Dillon. I hereby certify it will make you laugh.

Comment on this post with your favorite funny person (comedian, comedy writer, whoever) and I will randomly select the winner by putting all of your usernames into a hamster ball then rolling it downhill.

Find out more about Alena Dillon by reading her blog. She appears to be great. I know if I knew her in real life, we’d have a blast.

The winner will be selected and contacted on January 26, 2014.

Read on for my review. Continue reading


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5 New Year’s Resolutions for Writers

Seattle Beach

Back in Seattle. Energized and resolutionized.

I have a problem: I make too many New Year’s Resolutions. I am that person in the gym on January 1st, jump roping until my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest.

Every year, I swear off sugar, Starbucks, fruity cocktails, library fines, needless pedicures, wearing mismatched socks, Cookie Chips, etc. etc.

And then comes February 1. My resolutions are busy collecting dust like that unread copy of Moby Dick. I am feasting on Valentine’s Day treats, running up a huge library fine because I can’t seem to finish the Golden Notebook and no, I haven’t signed up for Yoga.

This year, I decided to scratch all that stuff and make solid New Year’s resolutions related to my passion for writing. Continue reading