Anglo Adventure

Travel with a sense of humor


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Super Seattle Photo Essay

The Seattle Seahawks won the SuperBowl. As if you hadn’t heard.

I will not jump on the bandwagon and say I’ve always been fan while shoveling a handful of Skittles into my mouth. On Sundays, I watch/root for/cry for Da Bears and Da Bears only, ya hear? I love the Bulls, the White Sox, the Blackhawks, hot dogs with neon-green relish all that Chicago stuff.

Sports and food loyalties are like family loyalties and I stick to them.

That said, no one can refute my love for the PacNorthwest. I loved it enough to come back after the Great Quebec Adventure. I loved it enough to put half a country between me and my family for a second time, when I could have settled into a nice brick house somewhere in Illinois. That’s right. I could be freezing my butt off right now.

I am not supposed to talk about how fantastic/gorgeous/incredible Seattle is because we want to keep it our little secret. Did you hear that: *we*? I think that is the first time I have ever “we’d” Seattle.

There’s no rule against pictures, so here you go:

Seattle in (my) Pictures


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Hoofin’ It: Teenage Walks to Remember

Walking, Birds Flying
Walking: my version of flying. 

Before Wild and the blogger who walks the coast of Wales with a donkey, there was pre-teen and teenage me, who walked all over Chicago’s far South Side.

That’s right. I was way into extreme walking before it was cool.* Because I didn’t have a car until I was 19.

Walking is essential to my well-being. I’m not much of a hiker; I’m a city walker, a promenader and pontificator. Seattle is one of the best walking cities; there’s water everywhere, our gentle weather rarely interferes with a good stroll, and it’s only the most beautiful place on the planet.

But Chicago is where I learned to walk. First to our coffee table, then to the end of the driveway, then to my little brick school, and then to everywhere.

Ode to Travel on Foot

Greenlake-walking-Seattle
What’cha doin’ sittin’?

Sometimes, I didn’t walk, I ran down city streets, avoiding garbage cans, almost crashing into pedestrians. I ran so fast I thought my lungs would burst. I wish someone would have warned me that running would never feel That Good again. Sure, a run feels good and necessary, but it not like a teenage anything-can-happen run, a run where you’re laughing so hard tears stream down your face, a run where your only goal is to topple into your best friend or escape some kind of trouble.

I walked with friends, a big group of them. I walked to their houses miles away, in the next neighborhood. I walked in red Chuck Tailors or heavy black boots. Sometimes we’d meet at halfway points, usually a cemetery or a fast-food restaurant or a pizza place. We didn’t have enough money to do anything but walk. It led to the greatest teenage adventures. Screw the boring old scheduled parental drop-offs at the mall, we were wild and free. We strutted under star-sprinkled skies like we owned the world. We walked to train stations that would whisk us into downtown, where we’d walk some more.

I walked to Chicago’s South Side Irish parade, not the one where they dye the river green, the one where they start drinking at noon. It was one of those must-not-miss events where every.single.person you knew would be there and they would all be wearing Notre Dame sweatshirts, green wigs, and shamrock stickers. (Side note: this parade was cancelled because it got too rowdy.)

I walked before iPods, no Walkman, just me and a cracked sidewalk, sprinklers, sometimes yells from passing cars. I walked through my own perpetual inner dialogue, through corridors in my mind. I walked until I came to conclusions, epiphanies, inventions. All forgotten when I returned. (I wonder if Einstein was a walker?)

Chicago Travel Morton Arboretum
If you don’t notice this stuff, you’re doing it wrong.

I walked into characters; an old woman who fed about fifty cats in her yard everyday. Once she put down the food, they would come from all angles, mewing and rubbing against each other. Then there was the complete stranger who leaned over a fence and asked me if I wanted a job taking care of his bed-ridden wife. (I declined). Continue reading


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My 19 Not-So-Strange Addictions

The Wilds of Illinois, Travel Blogs, Humor Blogs

Taking photos. One of my many addictions.

Remember that show, “My Strange Addictions?” I do. It’s where crazy people talk about their “strange addictions,” like eating paper towel or snorting baby powder or swallowing rocks. The producers should change the show’s name to “Really Gross Addictions That Are Hard to Watch.”

I did a mini-psych eval on myself. Turns out, my addictions aren’t so strange.

My not-so-strange addictions:

  1. Coffee. I drink coffee by the pot and in one of those metal commuter mugs construction workers use. If I don’t drink coffee, I feel like an anvil was dropped on my head and I can’t even make words. Dental hygienists hate me.
  2. Flavored creamer. I am a healthy eater who can’t help but to pour or squirt corn-syrup-and-sugar sludge into my coffee. Every morning. Milk just won’t do.
  3. Refreshing my email and social media in 10-second intervals. Now that I finally have a smartphone I do this from the comfort of my bed.
  4. Buying URLs. The minute I have an idea for a URL, the credit card is out and I’m searching for .COMS while wearing a visor, sunglasses, and sweats. I’m a regular day-trader-gone-nerd.
  5. Reuse. Recycle. Hoard.  I see a very-used piece of foil and go through a considerable crisis before I can toss it. I have more in common with hoarders and depression-era grandmothers than any of my young, thirty-something friends. I’ve cut my hands tearing apart those six-pack rings. I have a pile of plastic ice cream containers for The Leaning Tower of Cherry Pistachio, an ambitious art project I will never complete.
  6. British Comedy. I can sit through season after season of “Peep Show,” four episodes at a time. During the “IT Crowd”-era, I barely left the house. If a show comes out and Matt Berry’s in it, don’t expect me to leave the apartment until I’ve seen every episode.
  7. Cleaning out my ears. Every morning. Even if there’s nothing to clean out. This actually is one of the “strange addictions,” but I’ve never put anything in my ear but a Q-tip.
  8. Sweeping. When I am stressed, I go into sweeping overload. I also forget to eat so my floors are cleaned and I lose weight.
  9. Books. I have to avoid bookstores because if I go in, I am walking out with a poetry anthology at the very least.
  10. Taking photos.  I am not a person who snaps photos of every painting in a museum, but I am that person who schleps her tri-pod and camera to sunsets, beach trips, parties, hikes, etc.
  11. Moving. In the past four years, I have had three different addresses. I can’t seem to settle.
  12. Movie-theater popcorn. I could eat a four-course meal before the movie and I will still order overflowing movie theater popcorn, with that impossibly yellow liquid “butter.”
  13. Looking up offices on GoogleMaps. Me > apply for job > look up company on the Glassdoor > assess how glamorous the office is with the Satellite images of Google Maps > forget to actually prepare for job interview.
  14. Squeezing avocados.
  15. Reading “Missed Connections” on Craigslist. So many great stories from lonely people who think the girl that smiled at them on the bus might just be the one. It’s riveting stuff.
  16. Moisturizing. When I was 22 and unafraid of the sun, some gracefully-aged individual (an ex-boss) told me to start wearing sunscreen. I apply it everyday and feel my skin withering in the sun if I forget. Fortify that skin!
  17. Flossing. 
  18. Twirling the ring on my right hand around and around.
  19. Smelling shower gel in the grocery store.

What are your addictions? Confess below. No judgement here. 


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How Not to Write a Book Proposal

Eat,Pray,Love En Francais, Seattle travel Blogs

I hear she writes historical fiction now.

If I learned one thing in my writing career, it is to pay close attention to those contributor guidelines. I wrote these after reading editors’ complaints about bad submission practices.

Dear The New Yorker:

Attached please find my aritle on “10 Pig Mating Rituals You Weren’t Aware Of.” I don’t read The NEW YORKER, but I have heard you’re a quality, top ten literary journal. I really, really want to be a Writer because I want a heap of money to show up at my door along with beautiful women and I can tell all of my friends I am a PUBLISHED WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay. You can submit payment to 1244 Monkey Sock Street, NY, NY.

Cheers,
Billy, “the Pen” Henderson

Dear Hiring Editor Person:

I AM HOPPING YOU COULD PUBLISH MY WORK. Oh sorry about the all caps, I am just super excited that excited about the possibility of writing for your website. Well really it’s the work of someone named Mark Twain only I replaced 20% of his words and sprinkled 30% of keywords related to your website in. this stolded article will get you losts a website traffic. please let me know how and when I will be paid.

Yours truly,

Sal Forrester Continue reading


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Saturday Giveaway! Win a Free (Signed) Alena Dillon Book

You can win one copy of I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean, And Other Amusings From A Girl Wearing Sweatpants by Alena Dillon. I hereby certify it will make you laugh.

Comment on this post with your favorite funny person (comedian, comedy writer, whoever) and I will randomly select the winner by putting all of your usernames into a hamster ball then rolling it downhill.

Find out more about Alena Dillon by reading her blog. She appears to be great. I know if I knew her in real life, we’d have a blast.

The winner will be selected and contacted on January 26, 2014.

Read on for my review. Continue reading


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5 New Year’s Resolutions for Writers

Seattle Beach

Back in Seattle. Energized and resolutionized.

I have a problem: I make too many New Year’s Resolutions. I am that person in the gym on January 1st, jump roping until my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest.

Every year, I swear off sugar, Starbucks, fruity cocktails, library fines, needless pedicures, wearing mismatched socks, Cookie Chips, etc. etc.

And then comes February 1. My resolutions are busy collecting dust like that unread copy of Moby Dick. I am feasting on Valentine’s Day treats, running up a huge library fine because I can’t seem to finish the Golden Notebook and no, I haven’t signed up for Yoga.

This year, I decided to scratch all that stuff and make solid New Year’s resolutions related to my passion for writing. Continue reading


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Lessons in Humiliation: The Rob Schneider & Romy Mix-Up


Every week, I go to French meetups where Seattle’s francophiles meet to practice French. I speak the language and love travel, but that’s where our interests diverge. I use Quebec slang. I still really don’t know what to do with paté. (Spread it like jelly? Bite off a hunk?) And I am *really* good at getting crumbs in my scarf.

Last week, the group’s leader brought up Romy Schneider, an Austrian actress I had never heard of.

I heard “Rob Schneider.” Instantly, I perked up from my croissant coma.

“This is turning around,” I thought. “Sure, it’s a really dated reference, but I can discuss Rob Schneider. I can even discuss him in French. It isn’t a total waste of a Saturday.”

It was time to dust off the bad impersonation of Making Copies.

Oooh the French Group. Speakin’ French. Eatin’ Paté.

No, no, no. That’s all wrong. Should I mention how the Sensitive Naked Man is devastatingly underrated? Should I bring up my theory on Deuce Bigalow as an allegory about the modern male condition?

Or about my conspiracy theory about how the Hot Chick was a set up to ruin Rob Schneider’s career?

I did none of these things because the group started going on about how Romy Schneider died at the end of every movie. And I was like, wait, Rob Schneider didn’t die at the end of Waterboy. And then I realized quite suddenly just how close I came to the kind of humiliation you never recover from.

Sensitive Naked Man

Sigh. One for French-speaking, cultured Seattleites. Zero for me.


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Before You Share, Beware: 5 Ways to Spot a Hoax

A Hoax is a Hoax is a Hoax

If you haven’t been acquainted with this travel-related internet hoax that fooled the Guardian and Huffington Post, perhaps now is the time. Long story short, Elan Gale, the producer of the Bachelor tricked thousands into believing there was an exceptionally rude passenger on his flight and that he started sending her kind-of funny, kind-of mean-spirited notes. It’s a whole narrative that unfolds on Twitter.

The hoax was uncovered when a person came out and claimed that “Diane,” the passenger Elan harassed had late-stage lung cancer. He had to come out (+90,000 Twitter followers) and admit Diane never existed or he would have ended up on the list of 2013’s worst people. Continue reading


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Haiku Challenge, Here We Come

Weekly Writing Challenge

Taking on the Haiku Challenge. Step 1: Get out in nature.

When I saw the DPchallenge to write five haikus, I thought, “well, why the heck not?” And so, instead of doing my Thanksgiving shopping, I wrote the poems below.

In October, I went to my first-ever literary retreat on a scholarship for young poets. I find this funny, because my hair is almost as gray as it is black. Young? And when I went, I glimpsed into my future. At fifty, I am going to be the lady with yellow tights and purple hair.

While there, I attended an hour-long workshop on haiku and fell in love with the form. It’s great practice. You get rid of pesky adverbs and articles clogging up your writing and focus in on a single natural image. The instructor recommended sitting down outside and writing twenty haikus in a row.

“Be in the moment. And don’t try to make it good. That’s the fastest way to kill a poem.”

So when I saw the Haiku Challenge, I wrote these. Some of them are holiday themed. Some of them are silly. 

Haikus for You

Monday
A dusty can rolls
from the empty cabinet
Yes! We do have peas

Tuesday
A lone shoe sits in
center of a puddle that
clearly reflects two

Wednesday
Casserole charred
sweet potatoes turn to mush
but, perfect turkey

Thursday
Leaf flutters in a breeze
Plume of smoke from a chimney
The November dance

Friday
Kids run to dinner
Sidewalk shadows long and black
Gold leaves wave them by


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My Impossible-to-Escape Turkey Day Tradition

Turkey Day, Seattle

This is what November looks like here. Isn’t it pretty?

I did it. I finally made a turkey. Ok, my husband did most of, ok all of the gross stuff like stuffing it with apples and herbs to make it aromatic and piercing the thigh with a meat thermometer every hour. I participated by inspecting the meat to make sure we weren’t giving all of our friends food poisoning.

I know what you’re thinking…Thanksgiving is a couple days away.

Being nomads, we’ve never done a true Thanksgiving. We spent our first Thanksgiving married in a Shari’s Diner eating half-frozen turkey sandwiches with blobs of cranberry sauce on the side. I cried.

I vowed never to let that happen again, so for the next few years we found a fancy restaurant and dined there. Still didn’t feel right. No football, no drunk cousins, no Cool Whip? Something about the white-linen tablecloth made me feel awkward making a mashed-potato volcano. Too fancy, no family. And I cry again.

Thankfully, a friend took me in the next year, when The Husband was in Quebec and I was in Seattle. No crying and I am still grateful. Be supportive to your Thanksgiving strays, they’ll remember it.

Canadian Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Poutine

Poutine and plastic fork. Even Elwood realized it wasn’t Thanksgiving.

Then came the Quebec year. Thanksgiving isn’t a big to-do in Quebec like it is here.

First, their Thanksgiving (L’action de Grace) takes place before Halloween. That’s strange. It’s like eating dessert before dinner. And most people, at least in Quebec see Thanksgiving as a day off to cover their pools and construct their carports. Most people I knew didn’t even eat turkey.

That’s right: Thanksgiving in Belle Province is pretty much relegated to a labor-day type of holiday. Which is fine, they have plenty of awesome holidays and at the time, I thought I could use a break from American-style gorging. Continue reading